ok so saw hp4 with tes and kit after the book signing on saturday. came back and plotted...details to be released later....much later...lol
sunday chatted up on gay.com till the afternoon. got an e-mail from samantha, heather the ex that i caught cheating on me wants to talk, shes in 'thereapy' and needs to resolve issues she has with me, my response fuck no...they been bugging me for a while about it. so the last e-mail from sam pushed me on edge then shaggy's-wasn't me song came on my playlist. i sent the song with lyrics to heathers e-mail address. yeah im a bitch so shoot me. im tired of being nice and getting burned. and fuck her. the ghosts of ex gf's past once again bite me in the ass and go 'boo'. the last poem i wrote was dedicated to stacey...her sister had gotten online and chatted with me about her getting married and wanting me to be there for her in her sisters place...I'm still debating about it. I'm honored but I'm tired of when I think I've moved on I get sucked back in. Not this time...I'm making a stand and saying fuck you all and giving you my back. You can call me a bitch and I'll wear the name with pride I am not something to be used, I am not a filler for the void in your life you can't understand, I am not your mother, I am not your keeper and sure in hell am NOT SOMETHING TO CONTROL AND PUT ON DISPLAY. I am a human being, I do have feelings, they are somewhere in me just don't ask me where at the moment. I do feel and I do cry. Ok not physically cry, but I cry inside all the tears I have never been able to allow myself to shed physically they are shed deep within my soul, my heart, my entire being. *end the all the ghost of ex gf past can kiss my ass rant*
went to the apartment got chris up and out of the apartment. talked about staying there, went saw hp4 again. we had an hour window between show time and when we got the tickets so looked around and ended up adopting two baby turtles from a booth....chris named hers blue and mine is crush. yes blue crush...we didn't do it purposely but its cool.
worked today now home to spend time with the kids
daria1824
the ghost of you
drip drip drip
the faucet echos
through hollow halls
the silence is unbearable
the wind blows outside
a mournful lamnent for the heart
where are you now?
heaven or hell?
you made your decision
walked out that door
left me all alone....
soon to be two years
since one fate filled night
soon to be one year
since the day i laid you to rest
february...two years
march....one year
even in the grave you kill me
you dig at the corners of my mind
stab at my heart because i can't make it right
light if only i could make it right
you made your decision
you decided to leave
then decided to leave forever
left me to clean up the mess
my heart broken shattered lying on the floor
and all i can ask, all i can say is this
why? why do I still care? why do I still mourn?
i held your hand through everything
never leaving you despite the pain in my heart
the knife in my back, and the blood pouring because of you
and now when all i want to do is move on
your ghost, your memory,
the memory of what could have been
the ghost of you and me...wont let me go.
dedicated to Stacey,
my first love. may you rest in peace.
im sorry i couldn't save you...
im sorry i couldn't be more...
im sorry i wasn't who you needed me to be...
but baby let me be, please set me free
the guilt...the torment...it twists the knife
it was never my fault
you decided, not i
you betrayed my heart
and yet I am still the one paying for it.
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the Graveside
I look out into the night
heres my heart story unfold
the hills are silent
and the mist of night rolls
the moon my silent sentry
and the stars are my hope
I stand at the crest
the wind playing with my hair
I stare out into the emptiness
take a deep breath of cold air
close my eyes tears falling
i am alone, and you are not here
you will never stand by me again
hold my hand and be my anchor
heres to the memmories
i wish for more
knowing it wont be granted
to just look into your eyes
here is the ending
of a chapter in my life
a year, where has it gone
whose the stranger in my mirror
i'm wandering lost and forlorn
hope is the cruelest master
i open my eyes and look down
where you forever lay
my knees buckle
and i collapse once more
sobs rack my bones
the winds gentle caress soothes me
i hear something in the wind
your love for me and sorrow
'live my child, live for me,
and sorry I can't be there'
it whispers lovingly in my ears
i look up and see an aparition
its blown away in the wind
like a fleeting memory
breathing deeply I arise once more
look into the sky at the moon
I close my eyes and nod
a silent understanding
saying a silent prayer
I open my eyes
standing till the dawn
sunrise my new beginning
as the sunrises I walk into it
my head held high
its the beginning of a chapter
my story ending isn't written yet
yours was written a year ago
I will do what you wish and live
carrying a part of you with me
always and forevermore
heres my heart story unfold
the hills are silent
and the mist of night rolls
the moon my silent sentry
and the stars are my hope
I stand at the crest
the wind playing with my hair
I stare out into the emptiness
take a deep breath of cold air
close my eyes tears falling
i am alone, and you are not here
you will never stand by me again
hold my hand and be my anchor
heres to the memmories
i wish for more
knowing it wont be granted
to just look into your eyes
here is the ending
of a chapter in my life
a year, where has it gone
whose the stranger in my mirror
i'm wandering lost and forlorn
hope is the cruelest master
i open my eyes and look down
where you forever lay
my knees buckle
and i collapse once more
sobs rack my bones
the winds gentle caress soothes me
i hear something in the wind
your love for me and sorrow
'live my child, live for me,
and sorry I can't be there'
it whispers lovingly in my ears
i look up and see an aparition
its blown away in the wind
like a fleeting memory
breathing deeply I arise once more
look into the sky at the moon
I close my eyes and nod
a silent understanding
saying a silent prayer
I open my eyes
standing till the dawn
sunrise my new beginning
as the sunrises I walk into it
my head held high
its the beginning of a chapter
my story ending isn't written yet
yours was written a year ago
I will do what you wish and live
carrying a part of you with me
always and forevermore
Every Morning
| I look into the mirror Its cracked and broken Lying shattered on the floor A steady beat is heard Deep from within The monster howls And crawls its way out Lost, its all lost. Here I stand on the edge Looking into the chasam The deep abyss just under my toes I tip toe down the line Playing russian roullette And today there is a strong wind Off balanced an my arms swinging Here I go its all spinning, down. Where is my innocence? Dead eyes stare back From the pieces of mirror Lying shattered and broken on the floor A complete stranger to the world The dreams of a child are no more Disillusioned childhood shattered in a blast Forever lost, innocence gone. There I go flying down Into the abyss of my own creation Tumbling down the rabbit hole And I'm about to hit the bottom Its coming closer I brace for pain Here comes the jagged edge And I'm about to eat the first class meal Thud thud BOOM And the world goes black I've fallen once more Into my own personal damnation My nightmare is real My innocence is lost Nothing but darkness surrounds me The child is crying in the dark And no one, can save me this time | |
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hospital trip # ....... I can't remember
My brother is back in the ICU.
Stupid dumbass thought it find not to do his blood tests for his diabetes hes lucky hes fucking alive....
ugh...just when life was getting bearable this happens
if i was talking to you a few nights ago i apologize power went out and then the next few days was my brother being sick and then in the hospital...still is. ....ugh
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